fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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