honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
