so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Everyone says I win the strip club
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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