my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
