The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
