u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
