just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
