Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
