True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
