Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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