why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Randomize
