Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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