omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
It's shark week go big or go home
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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