im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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