More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
