i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
