also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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