buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
it glows. i had to have it.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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