My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
