i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
