I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize