she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize
