Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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