Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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