be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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