Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
