I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
