take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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