literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
