you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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