The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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