I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
