it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You are a genius and a whore.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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