Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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