The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize