yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
