I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
