Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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