It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize