Apparently you make a good broom.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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