I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
