god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
