My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
