I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
