he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
