i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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