Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
