I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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