you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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