I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
