Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
