My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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