if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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