Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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