I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
