Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
