I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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