That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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