i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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