I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
My penis needs a shock collar
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
