i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
