I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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