I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
All I want is dick and wine.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
