I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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