my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
