Define "chronic" masturbator.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
