Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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