The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
