how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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