White coat. Heels.
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
